No need for a second opinion

Patient: “Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”

Doctor: “Don’t worry, it won’t happen with me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.”

Doctors’ strike

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

I can’t do that!

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”
“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”
“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m a haemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”
“Fine then, just walk this white line.”
“Can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”

Irish council workers

There were two Irishmen working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig,

The other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn’t believe how hard these men were working, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, “I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!” The hole digger replied, “Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”

The good old days

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days…
“When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t’corner shop wi’ a shilling, and I’d come back wi’ five
pounds o’ potatoes, two loaves o’ bread, three pints o’milk, a pound o’ cheese, a packet o’ tea, an’ ‘alf a dozen eggs.”
Sadly he shook his head. “Yer can’t do that now. Too many damn security cameras.”

Lucky rabbit

After buying her kids a pet rabbit, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mum, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, “How many times do you think that rabbit would have died if I hadn’t looked after it?”

After a moment, her 5-year-old son replied quizzically, “Er…. once?”

A big chook

When a woman requested a whole roaster at the market where I work, the butcher didn’t let on that the bird he presented her was the last one. “Do you have one that’s a little larger?” she asked.

“Of course,” said the butcher. He took the roaster behind the counter, away from view, and made a lot of noise rolling it around the ice as if he were searching for just the right chicken. He then showed the same bird to her.

“Better,” she said. “Do you have one with a little more meat on it?”

He took the chicken, rolled it in the ice and offered it up a third time.

“Great,” the woman said. “I’ll take all three.”

The Spirit of Compromise

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.
“I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you
name the boat?”

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: “For Sale.”