Nowadays it’s relatively easy to connect with others who share challenges that we thought were unique to us. It can be wonderful to find people who understand what we’re going through and who can share tips for getting by. Support groups can be a great way to uplift one another, pool information and help educate the rest of the world about our unique challenges. All this is positive and empowering. But sometimes support groups can fall into the Drama Triangle trap.
The Drama Triangle consists of three roles that thrive on conflict: Victim, Perpetrator and Rescuer. Although at first glance the Rescuer might look like the good guy, in fact all three roles are guilty of keeping conflict alive.
A Rescuer gains a sense of being needed by stepping in, ensuring that the situation doesn’t come to a head and preventing the Victim from becoming empowered. Nobody wants to be known as a Perpetrator, which is why most Perpetrators think of themselves as Victims, avenging some perceived hurt. And while it’s uncomfortable to be a Victim, it’s also a way of avoiding responsibility, appealing for sympathy and claiming innocence.
Some ostensibly supportive groups keep people dependent by making them think that they will never manage without the group (Rescuer). When a group member starts to play ‘poor me’, instead of uplifting them, other members may descend into a competition as to who has suffered the most (Victim). Similarly, a group can become a hotbed of vitriol against outsiders who don’t ‘get’ us or who refuse us special considerations (Perpetrator).
In these divisive times, it’s important that when we ‘find our tribe’ we don’t accidentally step into the Triangle but instead use our connections to help us be more resilient, tolerant and whole.