‘A true friend will help you hide a body,’ is an oft-repeated sentiment on social media. It’s meant as a joke, but it reinforces a misconception about what friendship and loyalty mean.
What can we do when someone we love – a family member, partner, or a close friend – expects us to back them up when their words or actions don’t fit with our moral code? For example: your partner has behaved unreasonably during an argument with someone else and expects you to take their side. A commonly held belief is that loyalty means you should agree with everything your loved one says and does, even to the point of making enemies of people you hardly know.
In this increasingly divided world, there is a growing need for the skills required to maintain connection without getting tricked into the false valour of ‘taking sides’. Your ideas about morals and ethics might change as a result of new information or reflection, but should not change simply to suit someone else.
So how can you maintain your integrity, when someone you care about wants you to follow them down an unethical path? You might try:
- The gentle challenge: “Do you really think that’s a good idea?” “I’m concerned about the fallout.”
- Saying no: “I won’t be part of that.” “I can’t agree to that.”
- Defining the relationship: “I love you, but I don’t agree.” “As your friend, I’ll be honest.”
- Appealing to the best in the person: “Don’t lower yourself to their level. You’re better than that.”
- Appealing to reason: “Think it through once you’ve had time to cool down.”
- Take a long-range perspective: “Think about how you want things to turn out in the end. Let’s not sabotage that by acting impulsively.”
Stephanie Hills ©