A client of mine came to realise that in his most difficult moments, he would start mindlessly watching K-pop videos on his phone, unable to concentrate on anything else. Once he was aware of it, the compulsion to watch videos became a clue, alerting him that he was avoiding something. He could then tune in to identify how he was feeling – and from there, he could usually figure out why. I encouraged him to care for himself at those uncomfortable moments, which he did. How? By watching K-pop videos on his phone.
You might think that he was no further ahead, but the results were completely different. Engaging in a compulsive behaviour to avoid your feelings just stuffs the feelings down for a while, only for you to feel worse later. Doing the same thing with an attitude of self-compassion, for the purpose of riding out the bad feeling, is incredibly helpful.
It’s as if our unconscious mind knows that we need help, and shows us what to do, but it’s not until we can do it consciously that we can move forward. Understanding ourselves and caring enough to show ourselves that we care, allows us to become unstuck. Gradually we can find other ways to help ourselves feel better, as well as problem-solve ways to deal with difficulties. We can learn to tackle our problems without becoming overwhelmed.
We all have our go-to compulsions that help us avoid bad feelings. Next time you find yourself compulsively cleaning, scrolling or eating, check in to see what you’re feeling and ask yourself why. Then resolve to help yourself feel better, remembering to do so with kindness and care.
Stephanie Hills ©