Sometimes a person’s comment leaves you feeling uncomfortable, irritated or even angry. If their words sound neutral, it can be hard to explain why their comment was upsetting. Worse, if you react emotionally, you can come across as unreasonable or oversensitive.
We tend to focus on the information contained in the words, but the more powerful aspect of communication is the positioning. Positioning is a result of the speaker’s body language, choice of words and the context they create. For example, the words, “Susie did a great job!” spoken in a team meeting can be used to acknowledge Susie’s hard work, or weaponised to put down someone else on the team, to assert the speaker’s authority, or even to patronise Susie, depending on how it is said.
Polite habits of conversation have us responding only to the content and not the positioning. We can either agree or disagree with the statement, leaving us powerless to address how it left us feeling. So what can we do?
First, take time to compose yourself. Remember that when someone tries to position you in a certain way (eg as inferior to them), you don’t have to accept that position. You can simply ignore the tone and respond with the confidence of an equal.
Afterwards, go away and reflect. Why did the comment upset you? Did it violate one of your core values? Once you identify what principle or value was breached by the comment, don’t waste time being angry with the speaker. Instead, openly embrace that value. You can even invite them to share it with you. Eg “Hey boss, I know you like to acknowledge good work. Here are some ideas we could use, to make sure everyone gets to share their successes.”
Stephanie Hills ©