Category: Jokes

One nice thing about narcissists: they don’t talk about other people. * * * Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the motorway.  * * * Experience is the one thing you have left when everything else […]

I’ve just been to my Plastic Surgery Addicts Support Group meeting.Quite a lot of new faces there today. * * * * I’m on two simultaneous diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one. * * * * I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.

A little boy called Nicholas said to the Santa Claus in the Shopping Centre, ‘You and I have the same name.’ Santa replied, ‘Well, hello Harold!’ * * * * Q:  What’s a reindeer’s favourite singer?      A:  Beyonsleigh * * * * Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?        A: […]

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.” Husband: “Water in the carburettor? That’s ridiculous.” Wife: “I tell you, the car has water in the carburettor.” Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburettor is. Where’s the car?” Wife: “In the swimming pool.”

The recent theft of crown jewels from the Louvre reminds us of the time a guy in Paris nearly got away with the same thing. However, after planning the crime, and getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his vehicle ran out of petrol. When asked how he […]

Does music express emotions or just elicit them? Read the next 200 pages to not find out.                                                                                      ~ Welldogmycats Nanoparticles are weird and I accidentally made a bomb and electrocuted myself.                                                                                           ~ M33 Sand washes away, don’t build important stuff on it.     ~ Zoidy You can make antimatter move in […]

Someone set fire to Mary and John’s shed, so Mary rings the insurance agent.“It was insured for fifteen grand,” she says. “Please send a cheque.”“Whoa .. hold on just a minute,” says the agent, “… insurance doesn’t work like that. We have to send round an independent adjuster who will assess your loss and get […]

It was Monday morning, and Mum was having a tough time preparing a rebellious son for another week at school. “Nobody likes me,” he groaned. “The teachers don’t like me. The kids don’t like me. I just don’t want to go any more.” “Pull yourself together,” said his mother. “School can be tough, but at […]

At the bank, I told the cashier, “I’d like to open a joint account please.”“OK, with whom?”“Someone with lots of money.” * * * * Last night I got so drunk, I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest. * * * * When I drink alcohol, everyone […]

Sam walked into his sister’s kitchen and found his nephew, Mitch, having a snack. “Where’s your mother?” he asked. “She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I’ll see.” Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast. A sharp yell came from above. Mitch calmly […]