A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father, “How does this boat float?”
The father thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, “How do fish breathe underwater?”
Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, the father replied. “Don’t rightly know, son.”
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”
“Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’
When I was young we walked six miles to school every day, sometimes trudging in thick snow with schoolbags full of heavy books. Boy, did we feel silly when we found out there was a bus!
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.” The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Lem: ”I got fired from my job as a bank guard.”
Clem: ”That’s awful. What happened?”
Lem: ”Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I’d let him have it.”
Clem: ”What did thief do then?”
Lem: ”He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn’t want that stupid gun anyhow!”
A local Greenpeace office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful businessman. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The businessman mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the Greenpeace rep mumbled, “Um, no.”
The businessman interrupts, “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken Greenpeace rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
“Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the businessman’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated Greenpeace rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea.”
On a roll, the businessman cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
“I’ve really had it with my dog,” said the first guy to his neighbor. “He’ll chase anyone on a bicycle”
“Hmmm, that is a problem,” said the neighbor. “What are you thinking of doing about it?”
“Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!”
Paddy texts his wife.
“Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.
If I’m not back in 20 minutes, read this message again.”
* * * * *
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?” There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.”
* * * * *
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this pointless information.”
“To save lives.” the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.
“It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school,” replied the professor.
* * * *
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“I’m ashamed of the way we live,” a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.
“My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I’m just so ashamed.”
The husband rolled over on the couch. “You should be ashamed,” he agreed. “Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent.”