Category: Jokes

It’s the start of a brand-new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles. * * * When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. * * * Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

This was my first week at a bicycle store.Today they said I was ready to be the company’s spokesperson. * * * My late Dad wanted his ashes pressed into a record album. It was his vinyl wish. * * * Murphy: “My wife is driving me to drink.” Quinn: “Lucky you! My wife makes […]

False teeth are like stars. They come out at night. * * * Two fish in a tank. One of them says to the other: “How do you drive this thing?” * * * A nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene. * * * * I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants. * * * * My new watch was so expensive I had to finance it. I’m living on borrowed time. * * * […]

“I hear you’re a member of the school football team,” said the proud grandfather to his 13-year-old grandson. “What position do you play? “I’m not sure, Grandpa,” said the lad. “But I heard the sports teacher say I’m the team’s main drawback.” * * * * The star recruit who had just been transferred for […]

I want to get rid of my collection of glove-puppets. Any offer accepted. I just want them off my hands. * * * * I’ve just retired from my job as a plasterer. They presented me with a silver trowel engraved with the words; “For surfaces rendered.” * * * * When I first heard Julie […]

The inventor of throat sweets has died There will be no coffin at the funeral!! * * * *The inventor of auto-correct died last week.  The funnel will be tomato. * * * * Did you hear about the man that drowned in his muesli?  A strong currant pulled him in.

One nice thing about narcissists: they don’t talk about other people. * * * Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the motorway.  * * * Experience is the one thing you have left when everything else […]

I’ve just been to my Plastic Surgery Addicts Support Group meeting.Quite a lot of new faces there today. * * * * I’m on two simultaneous diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one. * * * * I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.

A little boy called Nicholas said to the Santa Claus in the Shopping Centre, ‘You and I have the same name.’ Santa replied, ‘Well, hello Harold!’ * * * * Q:  What’s a reindeer’s favourite singer?      A:  Beyonsleigh * * * * Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?        A: […]