Category: Jokes

*According to my latest Bank Statement, I have enough money to live in luxury for the rest of my life. As long as I die tomorrow. *Just booked a table for our wedding anniversary for me and my wife. Bound to end in tears though – she’s not much good at snooker. *I must be […]

Duck decoys, fishing rods, boots – outdoor gear of all kinds was piled high in the garage. One day I found my wife staring at the mess. “I hope I die first, so I don’t have to get rid of all this,” she sighed. “Look on the bright side,” I suggested. “If I go first, […]

“I can’t be quiet. My mouth gets itchy when it has words in it.” (Jon Paul, 4 years old) “I wish this wasn’t real life and I was just a refrigerator!” (Beau, 3 years old) ““I’m not mad. I’m just hungry and I hate you!”                                                                  (Anonymous 7-year-old) “Let’s play cops and Roberts. I’ll be […]

“I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.”  (Anonymous 6-year-old) “I love the sound of no-one talking.” (Anonymous 6-year-old) “Parmesan cheese is like glitter for your spaghetti.” (Callum, 4 years old) “I’ve been having a hard day for the last two years.” (Anonymous 4-year-old) “I can’t show you how much I missed you because my hands […]

I had my patience tested. I’m negative. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. I got a new drum kit today. It takes some beating. I went to the paint shop to get thinner. It didn’t work. I don’t want to get technical or anything, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.” At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.” In a nonsmoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and […]

A friend suggested putting horse manure on my strawberries. I’m never doing that again! I’m going back to whipped cream. My mum told me to put on a clean pair of socks every day. By the end of the week I couldn’t get my shoes on.

A little boy waiting for his mother was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?” The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.” The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in […]