Category: Jokes

  • Real life notices:

    “Toilet out of order. Please use the floor below.” On a laundromat washing machine: “Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.” “Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back, or further steps will be taken.” On a repair shop: “We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on […]

  • New to the building trade

    Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.” The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned shortly afterwards and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.” […]

  • An honest lawyer

    A businesswoman, looking for a lawyer for her firm, was interviewing the first applicant. “In a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question,” she said. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?” “Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Why, I’m so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education […]

  • Take it slow

    A man from the city visiting a small farm saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to an apple tree and the pig would eat the apples straight off the tree. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig […]

  • Actual Texas laws

    ~ It’s illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. ~ A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. ~ The entire Encyclopaedia Britannica is banned in […]

  • A list of useless products:

    – Cream of Mushroom Slurpee – Mobius toilet paper – Seeing-eye giraffes – Birthday candle snuffers – Ankle watch – Silicone thigh implants – Garfield condolence cards – Scrabble – special dyslexics’ edition – Intermittent headlights – Kosher communion wafers – Nuclear hand grenades

  • Irish divers

    An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?” To which the Irishman replies: “If dey fell forwards they’d still be in the fookin’ boat.”

  • Lucky man

    A man goes to the doctor, who checks him over and says, “I’m sorry, it’s bad news. You’ve got Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure. All you can do is go home […]

  • Lonely frog meets his match

    When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he’s told not to worry. “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl,” she says, “and she will want to know everything about you.” “That’s great!” says the excited frog. “When will I meet her?” “Next semester,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”

  • Giving to the poor

    A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child’s kindness and gave her the required sum. “There you are, my dear,” said the mother. “But, tell me, isn’t the lady able to work any more?” “Oh yes,” came the […]